My Day

And in an instant, I've lost my mother.

No, she isn't dead but, she definitely hates me. Fine. Whatever. So what. I'm doubting that she ever wanted me around in the first place. I know for a fact that I was an accident. No condoms or birth control could hold me back. So here I am, after bursting out of that sack and into a microscopic egg, in a human woman, in California, in the United States of America, on a planet named Earth by it's inhabitants, in a solar system, in the milky way galaxy, in some sort of nebula, that's billions of years old, in a big fucking universe, filled with billions and billions of other galaxies, filled with shit-tons of other California's. And there's possibility of a fucking parallel universe? Maybe more than one? With other dimensions and shit? Fuck man.

So here I am twenty one years later and I can't figure out what the fuck I'm doing here. Geez... Boy do I feel like I've screwed up. I'm supposed to be a musician? Well what the hell? What am I doing about it? Nothing... Just distraction, after distraction, after distraction. I need to get the hell out of Dodge and focus for once. Where's the talent? What do I have to show for it? It's been ten years, almost eleven. Come on. You've gotta keep up. Stop doubting. Or doubt forever, I don't care right now. Be a resentful old man if you want. Be a child forever. Who cares? If you don't who will? Start saying yes. Yes Yes Yes. If you want this, just say yes. Stop fucking around kid. Remember, When in doubt, go with what you know.

I haven't had a real Christmas in who knows how long... I can't remember when we stopped getting trees to decorate. And there's the problem, no tradition. Matt complains about his family getting together once a year and spending some time together on one specific day; Christmas. Maybe one day he'll value this time shared. Then again, Matt complains about everything.

My Sister. The Lion. The Beast. She can run her mouth on and on all day to anyone about anything but, cannot hold a conversation with our mother. Cannot. Why? Because they're both stubborn like sticks. Because both my mother and my sister are equally difficult. I once thought that I couldn't match them with anyone else until I realized that they are the same. One is just younger and more hostile. The other, old, bitter, and unforgiving. I, the mediator no more. Fuck it. Leave me the fuck alone. It's already been established that I am the problem here. What do you do when you can't change someone's mind? You fuck off. So, here I am; Fucking Off. I'm done. I've tried. I've tried. I've tried. Some things in life aren't meant to be. Which I think is a valuable piece of advice. SOME THINGS IN LIFE AREN'T MEANT TO BE. I'm not wasting my time anymore. Enough of that. I'm done playing good son. I'm done playing the "Be There Ranger." Today is my day. Today is the reckoning of the damage from the past. I am a damaged man. I will walk with pride. My demons are my own. To live with. To fight. To carry on throughout my life. I am driving. I am in control. This is just a bump on the road.

New Traditions

Swallowed oxegen and I'm feeling fair. It's 8:02am, which means my alarm clock is going to sound off in 28 minutes. That is however, unless I stop it from doing so, which I plan to. Laura is asleep next to me. I've been awake for 3 maybe 4 hours now. Laura spent half an hour awake with me and then fell back into dreams. I'm trying to figure out if the spell check works on this thing. It doesn't seem to.

Anyway... It's Tuesday. Today, I have scheduled to get together with good Ol' Sam Schwartz. I know, I didn't see that coming either. We are supposed to rendevouz around 11am however, I do not have an economic means for transportation.. Therefor, I think I'll call him and have him over here. But first, (Butt First?) I have to clean up. Laura and I tend to get messy,

Sadly, these days I cannot use the phrase "Another Day, Another Dollar." Because I am still unemployed.

I was once Funemployed, which is when one is unemployed but having a good time. But, the fun has become undone. Not to say that I'm not enjoying this quality time but, I need money.

It seems to be a time of new traditions, where one cycle of familiarity ends and another begins. The other night, at Laura's birthday dinner with her family, I couldn't help but to think about the night Omar and I spent hanging out with Barry. For Laura's Birthday, we had planned to go to Chili's in Walnut Creek because it's her annual tradition. December, birthday, family dinner, Chili's. Very simple and direct. But the Chili's in Walnut Creek has closed down. For lease. Gone. Total bummer. So instead, we drove to the Chili's in Concord. I felt too quiet at the table. I just didn't want to interupt the dialogue, where ever it was. I like to observe and listen. I like to take time to relfect. I thought about Chevy's. Sitting with Barry and Omar. A totally lame scenario. Barry didn't know that many people it seemed but, when he needed help moving it seemed like he knew no one. Because no one was helping him. So Omar and I decided to. And when we finished, we thought we'd show this generous and lonley older man a good time. So, we came over after work, had some tequila, smoked some weed, and then went to Chevy's. Maybe it was because I was high. Maybe it's because I was giving up depression. Maybe it's because I was crazy. Or maybe, this is was the most depressing thing I had been apart of. Barry's situation made me think of my situation. And I don't want to end up like Barry. 50 something. Overweight. Divorced. But, it wasn't like the guy was a loser. He is a decently financially stable person. He seems very smart. I think I saw some impressive degree's while helping him pack. He wasn't going to be alone for long. He was moving to New Orleans to be with his girlfriend. He met her on a business trip. He drove over 2000 miles to find happiness and to be with his new love. So, maybe Barry had the right idea after all. Though it was strange that he asked me if I had any porn I could share with him on multiple occasions. So here I am with Laura and her family and we're having a great time at Chili's. Laura wants steak. My goodness she wants steak. I love Chili's but, i never know what to order. Everything sounds and looks so good! I usually order something close to the cheapest thing on the menu when I went out with girlfriends families. And up until recently I didn't know why. Actually, the reason why is a bit depressing. But, I digress. Tonight I thought, why not be a bit extravagant tonight and try something new? It looks good on the menu, and it certainly sounds appetizing. So I did. I ordered the Fajita Trio. Steak, chicken, and shrimp with grilled onions and bell peppers served with pico de gallo, guacamole, sour cream, and flour tortillas. Cadillac Style(Which means, for an extra ninety-nine cents you can get rice and black beans). And it was fablous. It felt good to choose something I really wanted. It felt good to be next to Laura on her birthday. It felt like something unfamiliar but, nothing strange. Like realizing how something on your body works. It just works. Take care of it, and hopefully it works for the rest of your life. Don't take care of it and you'll end up hurting in regret. I've learned many lessons. And from these lessons I've been taught many things. One thing I'll never forget; regret. I dont want to regret anything.

Tis the Season

Laura's hair is Orange. Her birthday is on Sunday. She is turning 22.
My hair is brown. My birthday was last month. I am 21.
Laura is going on break in a few days.
I'm looking to catch a big one.
Laura is asleep next to me.
I'm wide awake.

On Friday, my truck broke down not too far from Laura's house. Today, Monday, I get a call from my sister exclaiming that my truck is ready to be picked up. Not the messenger I had in mind but, she'll do. I applied to AMC Theaters for the 4th time recently. Today, I called them for the first time ever. They told me that they just filled their staff. I think that's bullshit. So here I am, grown man, looking for work around the corner from Christmas and my lady's birthday. Not the warm, holiday cheer I usually feel around this time but, a sense of desperation and need of change instead. I think now I see the world a lot more clearly. I think now, I see myself much more clearly as well. I've been smacked around a lot these last few years. It's time to fight back and hit 'em hard. I'm just following the music. It's going to lead somewhere good, it has too. It will. No more distractions...

Down South

So, lost my job. Yea, that was about a month ago. My money is running low. I'm pretty much back at the beginning. Currently, I'm in Long Beach California. Scratch that, I'm in Northridge California.. Sitting across from me is Chris, and my two new aquaintences Sheryl and Natums (Nate). On the television. Scractch that, on the projected digital image on the bare wall, Dr. Pinsky is informing the West coast about celebrity drug and alcohol addiction. Though I don't doubt Dr. Pinsky's profession and skill as a doctor, I do doubt that he's saying anything worth while. He's barely a host. The stars are talking and the star trackers are talking. The publicist. AKA: the people I would call my closest friends 100 years from now that is, if I ever become/became a celebrity worth of making evening VH1 television. Dr. Pinsky just introduces the segments. I think he might be doing a slight narrative. Saved by commercials. Oh yea, I turned 21 two days ago. Go me. Laura threw a great surprise party. My closest fiends were there, suprisingly. And some people I barely knew too, surprisingly. And Marisa brought me a few cakes, surprisingly. And Harry and Kaela brought some foreign exchange students to help celebrate, surprisingly. And John got really drunk and turned into a pirate, surprisingly. Everyone left around 2am, surprisingly. I got a couple of bottle of tequila and a half drinking bottle of vodka as gifts but, I didn't get that drunk, surprisingly. All in all it was an amazing night. I plan on making an impression on So-Cal during the week I'm down here. I mean, I've already got my opinion of So-Cal, so what will So-Cal think of me? I'm going to use this time to focus on my future. I'm here not because it's fun or because Chris needs consoling for his recent break up (though, I do care greatly about both topics) I'm here to build security.

I thought about what Dave Grohl was saying during the Comcast On Demand interview snippet I stubled upon. He said that it was easy for him to believe that the life he was living wasn't real. That it wasn't a real reality. He continued to say that life and living became more clear and real the older he got.

I'm not old yet.

What's new with you?

Thinking clearer. Feeling better. Not being shy. Working again. Taking
public transportation. Meeting new people. Creating stronger connections
with old friends. Talking to Dad. Not talking to Mom. Looking for a
second job. Attempting to save money again. Paying more attention to
detail. Not smoking so much. Not complaining as often. Searching for an
apartment to move into. Searching for a new car to drive. Slowly
re-doing my wardrobe. Trying to stay connected with family. Finding
comfort and happiness.

I Open

memories
such a strange thing to me
the length of a century
and we remember everything
worth remembering
once we were children
I remember it so differently
photographs prove me wrong
my grace, I am a key
unlocking memories
somehow I keep them safe
protected by bone and skin
not for any
nor with any
other key
I open.

*Ahem*

Those last few blogs have been brought to you by:

Anger

Frustration

and...

Confusion

We would like to thank all of our natural sponsers.

Special

There are some things that just aren't meant to be...

Music is my passion. It is my soul. It is my lover.

But I am such a terrible musician.

I'm not creative

Not anymore, at least.

I'm just a phony.

I want it.

I want it so badly.

But it's getting harder...

I'm getting older...

Music is getting better...

I'm getting worse...

My friends are going to school...

They're doing something with their lives....

They can afford it.

I come from a poor family.

I come from a broken home of artist...

My mother is a child..

I take care of her.

She tells me how terrible I am..

My sister, a lion.

Eats all my food..

Me, the enigma...

The mystery....

"What's he gonna do...?"

That's what I hear...

That's what I think they're saying...

All eyes on me...

Sometimes, I'd rather not have lived

But rather observed life instead.

But then what would I be?

Pretty much the same thing now....

Apart from everyone...

Looking in from the outside...

observing the laughter...

the love...

the sex...

Thinking I'm special...

Not actually being special...

Just an outsider

watching people grow,

letting life pass me by...

where did I go wrong?

There are some things that just aren't meant to be...

Music is my passion. It is my soul. It is my lover.

But I am such a terrible musician.

I'm not creative

Not anymore, at least.

I'm just a phony.

I want it.

I want it so badly.

But it's getting harder...

I'm getting older...

Music is getting better...

I'm getting worse...

My friends are going to school...

They're doing something with their lives....

They can afford it.

I come from a poor family.

I come from a broken home of artist...

My mother is a child..

I take care of her.

She tells me how terrible I am..

My sister, a lion.

Eats all my food..

Me, the enigma...

The mystery....

"What's he gonna do...?"

That's what I hear...

That's what I think they're saying...

All eyes on me...

Sometimes, I'd rather not have lived

But rather observed life instead.

But then what would I be?

Pretty much the same thing now....

A kid

Headaches

What the fuck are you doing? You claim to have this... no, you don't claim. That's your problem. You don't claim anything. You can't take responsibility. You can't handle the slow progression of good fortune. You want everything now. You want the world to bend around you, for you. So here we are. You're not only wasting your time but, you're wasting my time. In fact, you're wasting everyone's time. That's why your friends are gone. That's why you're alone. That's why you feel like such a black fucking sheep. The truth is, you are. You are a black sheep. Not even good enough to be a regular member of the mass. Far from being a sheppard. You big coward. You're so shallow. You know it too. That's why you're so afraid. Afraid because you know that your mind is so wrong, so backwards, if you let anyone inside they would sure shun you. They would hear the dirty and filthy garbage that flows through your vessles. They would hear you vomit strange incoherant words into the air and watch them fall at your feet. And in this sewage, you tread. Everyday, you tread on. No one knows you. And it's killing you. It's damage what little of a soul you have left. It's your drill-bit to the temple. You're not as sharp as you seem. You're not as cool as you pretend to be. You're not as good looking as you want everyone to think. You are nothing. You are just an accident. A coincedence. A mistake. Look around you kid. See that sky you're always talking about? Past that, see that space? That infinite nothing? See it? Well who the fuck are you? You're impossible. I don't know why I even bother... I've tried. I've fucking tried. I tried talking to you. I tried reasoning with you. I even thought about killing you but, neither of us would benefit from that anyway... Just get your shit together. Seriously. I hate to see you like this... I hate to be around you when you're like this. 'Cause I don't get it! I don't fucking get it. Do something with your life. You're neither talk, and you're neither action. You just fucking run. Stop fucking running. Stop fucking around. Stop fucking around. Stop fucking around. Stop fucking around. Stop fucking around. Stop fucking around. Stop fucking around.

What ever

Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's my subconscious. Maybe it's some underlying truth, one that I have not discovered. Maybe I'm not meant for this. Maybe I am.

What ever it is, I wish it weren't.

Mother

if you had all four legs
and cut out that dirty language of yours
I know exactly how you'd sound
the natural flavor of your cold voice
would shatter glass and tremble floor boards
would make the neighbors cringe
could take a moon of men to move you
could take a storm to quench your thirst
your dirty mouth is scaring the children
and your silly smile is making me shiver

No big deal

Well...
I got exactly what I wanted. I asked for it and I received it. I told
everyone about what I wanted; what I needed. Now its here. I don't hate
it. I don't like it but, its here. Just like I said, its here. Am I
going to stick with it? Or am I going to just blow it all away? Should I
stay here? 9am to 6pm everyday. The same walls. The same people. Nothing
at all. Yea its money... but what do I care... I wish it didn't matter
but, it does. Remember, you are in debt. Remember, you need to pay
everyone back. Remeber not to waste your time. Remeber not to waste
mine.
California has brought me a lot of heartbreak and I think I'm losing it.
I'm feeling paranoid, as if my friends are keeping something more from
me. As if its all going on behind my back. Its just little stuff I
suppose but, still I've been on end ever since I heard about Davis. The
guys still haven't mentioned a word of it to me. Still act like it
didn't happen. Still act like what I don't know won't hurt me. But I do
know. And I've known for sometime. And frankly I'm deeply offended.
However, I'll be a big boy about this one. There is no reason to waste
anyones breath over this. But hopefully one day my friends won't be so
insensitive. And hopefully one day I won't be either.

Thirty Years

I was born in 1988. The 80's were coming to an end and the kids of the 90's were starting to begin. I'd say I have a pretty good understanding of the 90's life. If someone asked me what it was like to grow up during the time I did, I'm pretty sure I could give a decent analysis of the last 15 years or so.

I was thinking about 30 year olds.

Being 30 must be a really awkward point in one's life. At least for the "traditional" American. I don't know what it's like to be 30 but, I really would like to know what the 30 year old interest is.

Kaboom Pow Pow

Yesterday I took down all the posters in my room with the exception of one but, that was unintentional. The Iron Man poster is still tacked up on the wall behind my door with the Mardi Gras beads that Taylor brought home from New Orleans still hanging off of it. I don't mind it at all. The rest of my walls are bare. It's kind of nice actually. Not as overwhelming.

Anyhow, it's firework day. I'm supposed to be on a private boat tonight with some folks but, I haven't heard from anybody. Maybe I'll end up staying home. I'm leaving it up to you, fate.

I don't feel like expressing anything emotionally significant today. I just want to write.

Last night I stayed up until about 4am. Partially because I had slept through most of the day and couldn't sleep and partially because I was inspired to make a bunch of music. I might post some to youtube or something. I'm really happy with the composition of the sounds.

I kept thinking about how I was probably being forgotten about last night. How maybe everyone probably said, " Fuck him, he's a loser. He's nothing. You don't need him. Forget about him. Move on. There's other guys out there that are way better than him." And so on and so forth... My insecurities are through the roof right now, at an all time high. I know that I have royally messed things up between her and I. I know that it could take time to mend, if she wants to mend. I just feel really... really... really...

* Confused
* Insecure
* Angry
* Sad
* Small
* Detached

and on and on...

I need to get outta here.

Out of my head

Out of my mind

Out of this body

I gotta get outta here...

Lately

I'm starting to get really confused. I don't know what to do with
myself. I feel like I'm really fucking up (again). Maybe its just me
making it all up. Creating this from my imagination. Could all be inside
of my head. I told myself things would be shitty back in California
and... yea, things have been pretty shitty so far. I also told myself
I'd have a life-changing experience and I did. So maybe I'm doing it to
myself. What ever the matter, I will overcome.
I've been in a shitty mood all day. I woke up tired. Went to work. I was
driven by L.C. because my car is broken. Or as I like to call it, on
vacation. Anyhow I've been stuck in this hot house all day. Thank
goodness for Wii Sports and acoustic guitar or I'd be dead by now (and
of course you, internet).
Today I thought about a lot of things. Sensitive, deep, heartfelt
things. I want to leave this place. I feel like I've fucked it up
(again) and I'm being left behind. Naturally I just want to get out of
here. If I stay it has to be for a damn good reason. Something other
than paying off my debt or feeling afraid to hurt someone's feelings.
I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to not be a jealous person (at least
not so strongly). I don't like being this envious. Especially when I
probably deserve it. Whatever that means. I just feel like lately, I've
been a real bad person. So I guess I'm getting what I deserve then? I
mean, bad things happen to bad people, right? Truly nothing separates
bad people and good people besides personal decisions the possibilities
of fate.
Last night while on the phone with my mother I had a strong deja vù. One
that I dreamed many years ago. It got me thinking. Was I suppose to turn
out this way? Was it destined for me to be standing at the top of L.C.'s
stairs in my current condition? I wish I knew the way of the universe or
at least the human mind. Fuck, I wish I knew the way the mind of every
living creature.
Tonight I think I'll just try to relax but, friends and complications
might make that difficult. We'll see.

In This Life

I'm called Blaine. That's the name my mother gave to me on this planet. She's taken care of me for almost 21 Earth years now. She's done the impossible in order to keep me and my older half-sister alive and well. Today, she's still doing the impossible. Here in this Universe, in this galaxy, in this solar system, underneath this ozone layer, on this continent, in this nation, in this state, in this city, I am shacked up in a two bedroom apartment with my mother in one room and my sister in the other. My sister and I share what used to solely be my room. As if it were hard to fit only one personality into a few walls...

I love writing. I used to love it less. The ironic thing is that when I loved it less, the more I wrote. Now the more I love it, the less I write. Lately I've found myself losing faith in words and language. But, here on this planet, in this lifetime, I need some way to getting somewhat of an understanding from a general public. Using tools like words and language is one way but, I usually prefer the other stuff. Anyone can make a word. Words are art. The shapes, the symbols, and the relationships each shape and symbol have with each other are all beautiful. But who's going to understand us billions of years from now? Especially now that we, as a species, have invented and invisible system if communication. How will the next lifetime of archeologist dig up the internet? I'm getting beside myself...

What I want is to feel. I want to experience as much as I can on this floating rock as I can before I disappear. For me, it's all about knowledge. My thirst for knowledge has made me envious. Envy that I won't feel what you, another, feels. Envy that I will never fully understand what it is to be you and to know what it was like to grow up where you grew up. I want to know what you see because, surely I see if differently. I want to bask in the sun 50 years ago... and so on and so forth.

I've taken to music. Music brings me colors, feelings, and then helps me associate the two with objects, or people, or places, or moments, and so on... My goal is to make people feel something. Hopefully something good. What ever they feel, I hope it's something they would want to feel over and over again.

Simply put, I'm insane. Thanks for reading. Hope you follow.