Tuesday, April 30, 2013

04 30 13

I'm searching for the deeper meaning in my life. That means I'm on a path to discovering the topic that I have a strong emotional bong with. I've had much advice offered on this choice of lifestyle, most of which has come from inspirational speakers, radicals, revolutionaries, healers, gurus, writers, philosophers, artist, and musicians. The phrase "do what you love" occurs often.

But, if I weren't already loving what I was doing, then why would I be doing it at all? I must already love what I'm doing in order to keep doing it. Otherwise, I would consistently be doing things I didn't love. So, I must analyze what I'm already doing, and learn to appreciate it, learn to love it, develop a capacity to continually respect what I already do.

So often, like my Mother, I ask myself "Why aren't I more like those other folks? The ones who can do these amazing things, make amazing money, and produce incredible productions? Why not me??" Why not? Because I haven't worked as hard as they have worked. I haven't yet developed the Masters work ethic. However, I do have the potential.

I do, however, ponder upon divinity, fate, and Gods will, as well as natural talent, benevolent genetic traits, circumstantial skills, and of course, luck.

Am I lucky? Does God have a plan for me? What am I naturally talented at? How am I sharing my gifts with the world? What is the next move? Where am I going? How do I silence the noise? How do I focus on what I want? How do I know that I'm doing the right thing?

Being content. Such a refreshing, humbling, and saddening thought, to me.

Suddenly dropping all of the materialistic ideas I had for myself.

Suddenly living for something more than fame and fortune.

Suddenly, I stand corrected.

Suddenly I am sorry.

Suddenly I know how to love.

Suddenly I am alone.

It all feels surreal.

Everything feels surreal.

As if I need rescuing from the veil over my eyes.

As if I need to be brought back home from this madness.

Ongoing madness.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013


Do the hard things first.

Take your own time seriously.

Carve out space in your schedule for projects you care about.

Maximize your mornings.

Keep the long-term goal in sight.

Speak up!

Actually stop multitasking.

Sweat the small stuff.

Remember: Face time counts.

Practice self-compassion.

Friday, April 19, 2013

I can't stop laughing!!


Quiet Nights (What Am I Doing With MY LIfe)

Vanity. Everything is vanity. My soul is crippled with vanity, but much like Maya Angelou, I rise. I rise out of mud and clay, kicking off the excess, flinging the muck down, back to where it reveled. And above, reveals itself to me, but of course, vanity.

I woke up thrice today. Once at 6am, again at 8:30am, and again at 9pm. 

So.. where am I going with this. 

Centering. I am at the center of my universe. I AM the center of my universe. I am in the middle of everything. And everything is around me. Literally, figuratively, rhetorically, and dramatically. I am in the middle. Always. Not one or three... Not black or white... Not happy or sad...


Centering. I see success all around me. I measure success (figuratively) in different ways. Different successes require different measurements. A lot like finding a pair of jeans that caters uniformly to your fleshy uniform. If it fits, success! If not, buy them anyway, after all they're on sale, and the idea of going to another store leaves a growing lethargy deep in your bones. That, too is a success. 

Enough about jeans, more about success. I am surrounded by success. By successful people. By ladies and gentlemen who have made smart decisions, who have taken care of their responsibilities, who have listened to the inner voice, to the greater voice, who have paved their own way. 

My new route home, the long walk in the lower Oakland Hills, helps me to think much about how to obtain what I desire. I am aware of how inner desires can be clouded, however, I think it that desire IS the cloud and that, it's OK to not want anything. However, I also think that it is perfectly OK to want something. It's like science. We were fine before science, we're fine with science.  Before sciecne, we (humans) had certain characteristics that many people in the modern society would find unfavorable. But, life was life, things were cool, so long as you didn't get sick, or have...

Ok it's nothing like science. But it is also everything like science... it requires more thought than I am willing to commit to in this area. My focus is elsewhere. Perhaps I'll provide a deeper analysis in a later blog. 


Weilding your little green plastic and metal pipe, I sat down in front of you. "So, this is broken." I said as I extended out my hand, two peices remained of what was once a whole. "Tuan didn't know which side twisted off.. and he accidently broke it. He is sorry." Your face changed, but only slightly, to anger. And angry words dripped down your lips. Resentful slurs, thick like molasses, poured on. Keeping calm, "It's just a pipe." I said. But still, you seethed. As you went on, boiling about your disparted  piece, an ambience occured. There in your heat, you were just as you always were; stressed, bothered, vexed, cursed, and projective. Your mouth moved, but as I watched your twisting face, there was only silence. I was safe in my ambience, proud of my subtle air. You were a witch, thrashing at your heir. And finally, a moment of true silence, when your mouth stopped, my mind quieted, and there was nothing left to say except, "Well... I'm sorry it broke." We sat in the quiet tempered space for a moment longer, the catalyst still in my palm, and reflected quietly. I stood, turned, and retired to my bedroom. Afterall, there was nothing left to say.