Tuesday, April 30, 2013

04 30 13

I'm searching for the deeper meaning in my life. That means I'm on a path to discovering the topic that I have a strong emotional bong with. I've had much advice offered on this choice of lifestyle, most of which has come from inspirational speakers, radicals, revolutionaries, healers, gurus, writers, philosophers, artist, and musicians. The phrase "do what you love" occurs often.

But, if I weren't already loving what I was doing, then why would I be doing it at all? I must already love what I'm doing in order to keep doing it. Otherwise, I would consistently be doing things I didn't love. So, I must analyze what I'm already doing, and learn to appreciate it, learn to love it, develop a capacity to continually respect what I already do.

So often, like my Mother, I ask myself "Why aren't I more like those other folks? The ones who can do these amazing things, make amazing money, and produce incredible productions? Why not me??" Why not? Because I haven't worked as hard as they have worked. I haven't yet developed the Masters work ethic. However, I do have the potential.

I do, however, ponder upon divinity, fate, and Gods will, as well as natural talent, benevolent genetic traits, circumstantial skills, and of course, luck.

Am I lucky? Does God have a plan for me? What am I naturally talented at? How am I sharing my gifts with the world? What is the next move? Where am I going? How do I silence the noise? How do I focus on what I want? How do I know that I'm doing the right thing?

Being content. Such a refreshing, humbling, and saddening thought, to me.

Suddenly dropping all of the materialistic ideas I had for myself.

Suddenly living for something more than fame and fortune.

Suddenly, I stand corrected.

Suddenly I am sorry.

Suddenly I know how to love.

Suddenly I am alone.

It all feels surreal.

Everything feels surreal.

As if I need rescuing from the veil over my eyes.

As if I need to be brought back home from this madness.

Ongoing madness.

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