Tuesday, June 30, 2009

In This Life

I'm called Blaine. That's the name my mother gave to me on this planet. She's taken care of me for almost 21 Earth years now. She's done the impossible in order to keep me and my older half-sister alive and well. Today, she's still doing the impossible. Here in this Universe, in this galaxy, in this solar system, underneath this ozone layer, on this continent, in this nation, in this state, in this city, I am shacked up in a two bedroom apartment with my mother in one room and my sister in the other. My sister and I share what used to solely be my room. As if it were hard to fit only one personality into a few walls...

I love writing. I used to love it less. The ironic thing is that when I loved it less, the more I wrote. Now the more I love it, the less I write. Lately I've found myself losing faith in words and language. But, here on this planet, in this lifetime, I need some way to getting somewhat of an understanding from a general public. Using tools like words and language is one way but, I usually prefer the other stuff. Anyone can make a word. Words are art. The shapes, the symbols, and the relationships each shape and symbol have with each other are all beautiful. But who's going to understand us billions of years from now? Especially now that we, as a species, have invented and invisible system if communication. How will the next lifetime of archeologist dig up the internet? I'm getting beside myself...

What I want is to feel. I want to experience as much as I can on this floating rock as I can before I disappear. For me, it's all about knowledge. My thirst for knowledge has made me envious. Envy that I won't feel what you, another, feels. Envy that I will never fully understand what it is to be you and to know what it was like to grow up where you grew up. I want to know what you see because, surely I see if differently. I want to bask in the sun 50 years ago... and so on and so forth.

I've taken to music. Music brings me colors, feelings, and then helps me associate the two with objects, or people, or places, or moments, and so on... My goal is to make people feel something. Hopefully something good. What ever they feel, I hope it's something they would want to feel over and over again.

Simply put, I'm insane. Thanks for reading. Hope you follow.