Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The feeling that I'm searching for something has yet to leave me. There's this constant want that my thoughts are pulled toward. Love, friends, money, my own apartment. My mind lingers in this state of wanting. This wanted is partnered with fear. Fear has been fed to me, as if to replace supplemental nutrients. I live in a fear based reality. Everything scares me. Things scare me because I let my mind wander down paths that aren't necessarily true. And for the first time, I spelled necessarily without using spell check. Twice now. I read a poem, it taught me not to identify with my thoughts. I am not my thoughts. Mostly, they are ideas. It's my choice to become the idea. Another program helped me realize that my mind isn't healthy. This is probably because my body isn't healthy. I'm a junk food addict. I eat shit, I become shit. I need colors. Colors to help me breathe. Colors to help me relieve this want. Replace the want with the food from the soil. Replace vanity with rich herbs. Subtract silence, multiply laughter. I am in the room. Where is my mind? The term "losing your mind" seems to take a more literal shape the further I reach. I feel that even in my attempts to not search, I am searching to not search.  I am looking to not look. Change must occur within me. 

Oh tonight.

In this moment I am self conscious.
My back is arched forward
bringing my head closer to the dim
back lit computer screen
Cozma, the love of my life
the cat
is at the foot of the bed
her nights are calm here in my room
This place is her haven
the warm fortress of peaceful rest and solitude
a luxury for most street cats
who am I to disturb her from her slumber?
her life seems so much more important than mine
Moments ago my room went black
like a dark sheet suddenly blanketed my walls
there was no light
and in an instant the light returned
only to be taken away again
and taken away
I sprang to my feet curious and
deeply terrified
the other day I thought that I had been victim of
an alien abduction
"Could this be the conclusion?"
I thought
A strange static sound could be heard outside my window
so I ran to the kitchen to catch of view of the street
Street lights were flickering on and off
Lights outside of house and apartments teased on and off
I sat and stared in awe and utter confusion
Is this some elaborate robbery?
The idea wouldn't settle in me
I hadn't the idea
I glanced over to my Mother
who was asleep on the couch
and returned to my room
that was moments ago
Since then I've experimented with an online
dating site
and realized I'm terribly afraid of dating
What do I have to offer?
Surely there are more interesting people than me
You deserve to talk to them
I'll keep to myself
I'm a fly on the wall
a bad habit I get from my Mother
I observe and buzz around
The fly is scarcely welcome
is swatted at, killed, for doing what it does best
A purple tarp lays on my floor
Atop it are containers of paint tubes,
paint brushes
and a few items I've been painting
A couple canvases
A couple soda cans
A couple of guitars
and a milk carton.
This is my life tonight.
Closed off in this tiny world I've built,
relishing prophecies I've foretold
of myself.
How I'll die, mostly.
My heart has been bothering,
I get so deep into thought that I forget to breathe
my temples blush with pain and I know I'm close
So I breathe slow
and feel my heart skip beats
Pumping in no sort of sequence
and then in sequence.
It feels as if my heart has been pumping harder than usual these last few days
I'm happy it beats at all.