Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The feeling that I'm searching for something has yet to leave me. There's this constant want that my thoughts are pulled toward. Love, friends, money, my own apartment. My mind lingers in this state of wanting. This wanted is partnered with fear. Fear has been fed to me, as if to replace supplemental nutrients. I live in a fear based reality. Everything scares me. Things scare me because I let my mind wander down paths that aren't necessarily true. And for the first time, I spelled necessarily without using spell check. Twice now. I read a poem, it taught me not to identify with my thoughts. I am not my thoughts. Mostly, they are ideas. It's my choice to become the idea. Another program helped me realize that my mind isn't healthy. This is probably because my body isn't healthy. I'm a junk food addict. I eat shit, I become shit. I need colors. Colors to help me breathe. Colors to help me relieve this want. Replace the want with the food from the soil. Replace vanity with rich herbs. Subtract silence, multiply laughter. I am in the room. Where is my mind? The term "losing your mind" seems to take a more literal shape the further I reach. I feel that even in my attempts to not search, I am searching to not search.  I am looking to not look. Change must occur within me. 

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