This is the problem with keeping an online journal. Everyone that wants to read it can. On the other hand there is this level of anticipation. There are some people I would want to read this more than others. Then It starts to feel like someone's looking over your shoulder while you type out your "feelings." Feelings in quotation marks because I don't think online journaling isn't a genuine way of expressing one's emotions. Granted, I've poured some heavy topics into some of my past post's but, I'm starting to get over it. Anything I type is here is either going to a free write or a flavorless summary of how I'm actually feeling, This is why I keep actual paper journals with my actual hand writing. Because here, I am nothing more than a computer screen dishing out the same characters and patterns the human brain recognizes on a daily basis. The internet is false. It's useful but, unromantic. I've been finding myself more and more unhappy with the consequences of using the internet and it's "tools." Tools meaning social networking, blogging, etc... This is, of course, built from my personal experience of internet use. I need to pay attention to something more than myself. But, due to the reflections that dawned on me while watching The Doors movie last night, I feel I could swing in one of either two directions. Either I'm going to start seeing the bigger picture or I'm going to start dwelling deep within myself. Deep as in, finding the real Blaine. Blaine as in, an artist. Whatever that means. I want to dig the music out of my soul and use it to fill the air. The real melody isn't what you hear, it's what you don't hear. Whatever that means. I'm not a philosopher. I'm just a kid that runs his mouth too much. Makes friends disappear. Makes girls not want to talk to me again. Whatever. It's who I am. It'll hurt for a while but, in the end I'll feel something other than whatever I feel on a daily basis. I think I need to get off of this farm.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
I don't know... I guess I just need someone to talk to. I mean really talk to. I have a lot to get off of my chest. So this is my actual first time ever cry out for someone, to someone. Cause i'm too proud to come to you. Whoever you are, I need you the way anybody needs anybody.
When I was a young, sometime around the age of 4-5, I used to think that every time I left the room my family was having some amazing party. I would start to walk down the hallway and spin around hoping to catch them in the act.
Needless to say, my family wasn't having secret parties behind my back. I don't know why I thought that, I don't think I'll ever understand what put that idea into m head. I was just a kid. I didn't even know what a party was but, I had such a strong visual of what I thought was going on. Music, dancing, bright and colorful metallic party streamers. I could see smiles across everyones faces, joyously dancing and celebrating the fact that I had left the room and was far out of sight.
I feel that way now except, it's no secret and it's with my friends who I consider to be my closest thing to a family. I've always considered my friends to be the closest thing I've had to a family because I don't feel close to my blood line at all. Twenty-one years and I barely know who my sister is. She doesn't know me at all. Everything is broken in pieces, I can't pick it all up. Just fragments of memories. Shards of hope that can cut and leave scars.
Constantly, I dwell on how to make living easier, how to see a bit more clearly, how to understand, how to be understood. I keep coming back with the same conclusion. "Maybe I'm the problem."
It just seems so much easier when I'm not around. I feel like I'm more trouble than I know. It's feels like once I become comfortable with who I am, I find another reason not to be.
I have to remind myself that this is real life. This is really happening. The past is like an illusion. It's like a dream. I was child once? What?
I feel like I've really become a monster. The way I've treated my family and my friends. The true problem lies within me. I'm working it out..
I want love. I want true love. Warm, inviting, incomparable love. But I'll just fuck it up like everything else. No wonder my Mother looks at me the way she does. I've had the opportunities to do anything but, I've fought so hard to separate myself. I created this lame person. Fuck me. I just want to forget. I want to grow up all over again. Do it right this time. What is music? What is art? What do I have to do with any of this? I"m fucking tired of going in circles.
I've written this before. I've said this all before. I've cried these tears. I've burned these pages. Erased the data. But it always comes back.
I want so much. I want to love again. I want to feel welcome. I want to have a home. I need support. I need structure. I don't have any foundation. I need a something to base my love on. I need an example. I need someone. Something more. I'm hurting so much. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to feel good. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel loved. Needed. Because I'm feeling pretty fucking awkward.
God, save me.