Wednesday, May 19, 2010


This is the problem with keeping an online journal. Everyone that wants to read it can. On the other hand there is this level of anticipation. There are some people I would want to read this more than others. Then It starts to feel like someone's looking over your shoulder while you type out your "feelings." Feelings in quotation marks because I don't think online journaling isn't a genuine way of expressing one's emotions. Granted, I've poured some heavy topics into some of my past post's but, I'm starting to get over it. Anything I type is here is either going to a free write or a flavorless summary of how I'm actually feeling, This is why I keep actual paper journals with my actual hand writing. Because here, I am nothing more than a computer screen dishing out the same characters and patterns the human brain recognizes on a daily basis. The internet is false. It's useful but, unromantic. I've been finding myself more and more unhappy with the consequences of using the internet and it's "tools." Tools meaning social networking, blogging, etc... This is, of course, built from my personal experience of internet use. I need to pay attention to something more than myself. But, due to the reflections that dawned on me while watching The Doors movie last night, I feel I could swing in one of either two directions. Either I'm going to start seeing the bigger picture or I'm going to start dwelling deep within myself. Deep as in, finding the real Blaine. Blaine as in, an artist. Whatever that means. I want to dig the music out of my soul and use it to fill the air. The real melody isn't what you hear, it's what you don't hear. Whatever that means. I'm not a philosopher. I'm just a kid that runs his mouth too much. Makes friends disappear. Makes girls not want to talk to me again. Whatever. It's who I am. It'll hurt for a while but, in the end I'll feel something other than whatever I feel on a daily basis. I think I need to get off of this farm.

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