Sunday, May 2, 2010

Pretty Fucking Awkward

When I was a young, sometime around the age of 4-5, I used to think that every time I left the room my family was having some amazing party. I would start to walk down the hallway and spin around hoping to catch them in the act.

Needless to say, my family wasn't having secret parties behind my back. I don't know why I thought that, I don't think I'll ever understand what put that idea into m head. I was just a kid. I didn't even know what a party was but, I had such a strong visual of what I thought was going on. Music, dancing, bright and colorful metallic party streamers. I could see smiles across everyones faces, joyously dancing and celebrating the fact that I had left the room and was far out of sight. 

I feel that way now except, it's no secret and it's with my friends who I consider to be my closest thing to a family. I've always considered my friends to be the closest thing I've had to a family because I don't feel close to my blood line at all. Twenty-one years and I barely know who my sister is. She doesn't know me at all. Everything is broken in pieces, I can't pick it all up. Just fragments of memories. Shards of hope that can cut and leave scars.

Constantly, I dwell on how to make living easier, how to see a bit more clearly, how to understand, how to be understood. I keep coming back with the same conclusion. "Maybe I'm the problem."

It just seems so much easier when I'm not around. I feel like I'm more trouble than I know. It's feels like once I become comfortable with who I am, I find another reason not to be. 

I have to remind myself that this is real life. This is really happening. The past is like an illusion. It's like a dream. I was child once? What? 

I feel like I've really become a monster. The way I've treated my family and my friends. The true problem lies within me. I'm working it out.. 

I want love. I want true love. Warm, inviting, incomparable love. But I'll just fuck it up like everything else. No wonder my Mother looks at me the way she does. I've had the opportunities to do anything but, I've fought so hard to separate myself. I created this lame person. Fuck me. I just want to forget. I want to grow up all over again. Do it right this time. What is music? What is art? What do I have to do with any of this? I"m fucking tired of going in circles. 

I've written this before. I've said this all before. I've cried these tears. I've burned these pages. Erased the data. But it always comes back. 

I want so much. I want to love again. I want to feel welcome. I want to have a home. I need support. I need structure. I don't have any foundation. I need a something to base my love on. I need an example. I need someone. Something more. I'm hurting so much. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to feel good. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel loved. Needed. Because I'm feeling pretty fucking awkward.

God, save me.

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