Lately

I'm starting to get really confused. I don't know what to do with
myself. I feel like I'm really fucking up (again). Maybe its just me
making it all up. Creating this from my imagination. Could all be inside
of my head. I told myself things would be shitty back in California
and... yea, things have been pretty shitty so far. I also told myself
I'd have a life-changing experience and I did. So maybe I'm doing it to
myself. What ever the matter, I will overcome.
I've been in a shitty mood all day. I woke up tired. Went to work. I was
driven by L.C. because my car is broken. Or as I like to call it, on
vacation. Anyhow I've been stuck in this hot house all day. Thank
goodness for Wii Sports and acoustic guitar or I'd be dead by now (and
of course you, internet).
Today I thought about a lot of things. Sensitive, deep, heartfelt
things. I want to leave this place. I feel like I've fucked it up
(again) and I'm being left behind. Naturally I just want to get out of
here. If I stay it has to be for a damn good reason. Something other
than paying off my debt or feeling afraid to hurt someone's feelings.
I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to not be a jealous person (at least
not so strongly). I don't like being this envious. Especially when I
probably deserve it. Whatever that means. I just feel like lately, I've
been a real bad person. So I guess I'm getting what I deserve then? I
mean, bad things happen to bad people, right? Truly nothing separates
bad people and good people besides personal decisions the possibilities
of fate.
Last night while on the phone with my mother I had a strong deja vù. One
that I dreamed many years ago. It got me thinking. Was I suppose to turn
out this way? Was it destined for me to be standing at the top of L.C.'s
stairs in my current condition? I wish I knew the way of the universe or
at least the human mind. Fuck, I wish I knew the way the mind of every
living creature.
Tonight I think I'll just try to relax but, friends and complications
might make that difficult. We'll see.