Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Dreams are dangerous things -things without physicality. So how is we, the soft creatures that we are, can hold onto dreams? Dreams are misleading, that they are truths disguised in a personal abstract atmosphere. What I find weird about dreams is that in a dream I have complete control of everything around me. And what I find weird about my waking life is that I can only control myself.

So how does one control his self?

I've been out of control. I've squandered, stolen, lied, and cheated. And this is me.
When was younger I stole an action figure from a boy younger than me. Stupid.
I lied to keep myself out of trouble, but never to intentionally hurt anybody.
I cheated on a french test - and got a C.

So a young boy that has stolen, lied, and cheated his way through youth shall become a man.
The young man that made a parody of his self will not be taken seriously by his peers.
An underachiever.

True, I haven't started my own business. Nor do I have my own car. True, I still live with my mother, but 23 is an acceptable age to do so. True, I slept around. True, I now sleep alone. True, I work in a stockroom. True, I am the supervisor. True, I'm questioned my sexuality. True, I've never tested it. True, I have fears, doubts, and worries. True, I have courage and strength.

I see myself growing. Not taller, but broader. A sense of purpose is being defined. It's not what I want, it's not what they want, it's what my soul needs. A subtle expansion between the universe and me is shared.  I'm becoming one of - and not one less.

So I tell myself, "If it feels good do it." And of course, if it doesn't I don't. Haha, but I do!! Someone suggested to me, "maybe you like pain.." I have dwelled on this...
As a child, I would pick my scabs. Every cut, gash, and scrap would remain raw and open. Pain was present, but it was not my focus. It was my curiosity taking over. Perhaps picking the scabs created endorphins.  Maybe I've been getting high longer than I've known.

Started smoking a lot of weed. Today, I'm taking a break... last nights puff had my chest bubbling and must discomfort followed. It is these sort of things that worry me. Strange sensations in my body... But, I was in and out of the hospital all of last year.. I'll stay healthy and happy this year, thanks.
I was even in the hospital on your birthday, but you would have never known..

I'm procrastinating. Supposed to be scoring a film, but it (the movie and the music) makes no sense. So, I'm taking a break to read your blog, write mine, and mellow out for a while.
It is a gorgeous day outside.. Sunlight seems so infinite. Seems.

oh.. and remember

Shallow water
Deep water

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