Monday, May 21, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
I woke up with much on my mind today. It's been a wild week..
I worked really hard that week. Monday through Friday, I busted my back for the company, for the stockroom, and for my peers. Wednesday was the hardest day, but the most remarkable one. The team was working together the way a team should. All of us, spritely young men, tall and short, thin and fat, young and old, straight and gay. We came together to tackle the impossible offsite - a large gray room made of concrete, a quite place in the mall, filled to the brim with boxes. We would have to walk on boxes in order to get to other boxes and they would be buried beneath other boxes. We worked hard that day. The offsite was not the enemy, but the friend in need of care. We would provide the provisions necessary to get him back up to speed. We worked hard that day and even the magical organizing wizard, Andrew, could not complete the task. He was dumbfounded and, I think, a bit hurt. His prize, his power, of organizing had failed him! "At last!" I thought. "He knows what it feels like to be... us!!" It was a relief to see him struggle. I knew then that he was human and not machine. The rest of the week was easy. My legs were sore, my back was weak, but I felt strong. Everything washed away from me on Friday. I was done... too tired to continue. I did the best I could and went home. I knew that the weekend would bring me back up to speed. Matt, Brendan, Caryn, and I were to go to Muir Woods and take in the green - a much needed escape from the gray and mundane. And it was so. Saturday we came together and started out to the woods. Drove for about two hours and fought for parking. We ate sandwiches and chips before setting out on our hike. The redwoods were proud and reached higher than the arms of any man. We marveled at them for a while. Many people of different cultures marveled along with us. We must have hiked for three hours.. It was much later when I got the message. "..Chris said you took his shift today and we're just wondering where you are.." "What?" I thought. "I didn't take a shift today.." As the wheels spun faster I dove deeper into my recollection. I did take the shift. I was supposed to be there. I was being cocky. I have been forgetful. Sunday rolled by and Monday came second. At work all seemed normal. I apologized for my absence and carried on with my days work. It wasn't until the end of the day, fifteen minutes until my sift ended, did they call me into the office to discuss my punishment - suspension until further notice. In other, more blatant words, "you're ass is grass, kid." Chills started in me, but I fought them off. Without a word I went for my locker, packed my belongings, said a few goodbyes, and took my leave. I needed change for the bus.. I went to buy a cookie and upon receiving my change, left the mall without my baked treat. My mind was elsewhere... "You fucked up, kid..."
Tuesday I did yoga and met up with the step brothers. We ate food, drank beer, and mingled with Japanese girls. Wednesday Crystal came over and we recorded some music, later on the step brothers and the Japanese girls came over for more beer and good times. Yinka and the Japanese girls stayed the night. The next morning we made breakfast and watched Avatar. I don't even remember the rest of Thursday.. On Friday, Yinka was still at my place and Matt came over later. We hung around my place for a while before going to Matts apartment in Walnut Creek. There, we met up with Marisa, had many beers, and retired at Matts for the night. The next day we went for sandwiches at Maruchi's, played Halo and basketball, ate some funny chocolate, and Yinka and I decided to leave. Back at my place, the chocolate had taken full effect over Yinka and he became many words and colors, spewing out anything and everything that came to mind. He was a dark typhoon of imagination. Sunday morning, we got up early to go to the Laotian temple where we were fed delicious vegetarian food and invited to basketball games and movies. After temple, Yinka and I went to Yinkas house to trim the grass. The thicket had grown tall and heavy and much work was before us. We worked hard and calm, a furious weed whacker shaped the wild growth. We worked until sundown and retired to chimichangas and the BET gospel ceremony. There Tuan met up with us and we left for Foodmaxx. At Foodmaxx we purchased meat, cheese, chips, and beer then set off to my apartment. My Mother was home and was excited to see us. We ate, drank, and smoked together. Yinka and my Mother began to battle over opinions and a long dormant argument soon came to life. Both of them arguing like children finally fell into an awkward silence. The air was cut by Iron Man 2. The night ended, the boys went home, and I listened to my Mother for a while in the living room. A fell into a deep sleep.. Today I woke up in my bed with a lot on my mind. It's Monday, two weeks since the bad news and I'm swimming in this pool... "What's next?" I ask myself. "Whatever you make it." Is my quick response. It's time. Time to grow up. To be a man. To reconnect with some sense of responsibility. I'll always be a boy, but I have to fashion myself as a man. The air is thick today...
I worked really hard that week. Monday through Friday, I busted my back for the company, for the stockroom, and for my peers. Wednesday was the hardest day, but the most remarkable one. The team was working together the way a team should. All of us, spritely young men, tall and short, thin and fat, young and old, straight and gay. We came together to tackle the impossible offsite - a large gray room made of concrete, a quite place in the mall, filled to the brim with boxes. We would have to walk on boxes in order to get to other boxes and they would be buried beneath other boxes. We worked hard that day. The offsite was not the enemy, but the friend in need of care. We would provide the provisions necessary to get him back up to speed. We worked hard that day and even the magical organizing wizard, Andrew, could not complete the task. He was dumbfounded and, I think, a bit hurt. His prize, his power, of organizing had failed him! "At last!" I thought. "He knows what it feels like to be... us!!" It was a relief to see him struggle. I knew then that he was human and not machine. The rest of the week was easy. My legs were sore, my back was weak, but I felt strong. Everything washed away from me on Friday. I was done... too tired to continue. I did the best I could and went home. I knew that the weekend would bring me back up to speed. Matt, Brendan, Caryn, and I were to go to Muir Woods and take in the green - a much needed escape from the gray and mundane. And it was so. Saturday we came together and started out to the woods. Drove for about two hours and fought for parking. We ate sandwiches and chips before setting out on our hike. The redwoods were proud and reached higher than the arms of any man. We marveled at them for a while. Many people of different cultures marveled along with us. We must have hiked for three hours.. It was much later when I got the message. "..Chris said you took his shift today and we're just wondering where you are.." "What?" I thought. "I didn't take a shift today.." As the wheels spun faster I dove deeper into my recollection. I did take the shift. I was supposed to be there. I was being cocky. I have been forgetful. Sunday rolled by and Monday came second. At work all seemed normal. I apologized for my absence and carried on with my days work. It wasn't until the end of the day, fifteen minutes until my sift ended, did they call me into the office to discuss my punishment - suspension until further notice. In other, more blatant words, "you're ass is grass, kid." Chills started in me, but I fought them off. Without a word I went for my locker, packed my belongings, said a few goodbyes, and took my leave. I needed change for the bus.. I went to buy a cookie and upon receiving my change, left the mall without my baked treat. My mind was elsewhere... "You fucked up, kid..."
Tuesday I did yoga and met up with the step brothers. We ate food, drank beer, and mingled with Japanese girls. Wednesday Crystal came over and we recorded some music, later on the step brothers and the Japanese girls came over for more beer and good times. Yinka and the Japanese girls stayed the night. The next morning we made breakfast and watched Avatar. I don't even remember the rest of Thursday.. On Friday, Yinka was still at my place and Matt came over later. We hung around my place for a while before going to Matts apartment in Walnut Creek. There, we met up with Marisa, had many beers, and retired at Matts for the night. The next day we went for sandwiches at Maruchi's, played Halo and basketball, ate some funny chocolate, and Yinka and I decided to leave. Back at my place, the chocolate had taken full effect over Yinka and he became many words and colors, spewing out anything and everything that came to mind. He was a dark typhoon of imagination. Sunday morning, we got up early to go to the Laotian temple where we were fed delicious vegetarian food and invited to basketball games and movies. After temple, Yinka and I went to Yinkas house to trim the grass. The thicket had grown tall and heavy and much work was before us. We worked hard and calm, a furious weed whacker shaped the wild growth. We worked until sundown and retired to chimichangas and the BET gospel ceremony. There Tuan met up with us and we left for Foodmaxx. At Foodmaxx we purchased meat, cheese, chips, and beer then set off to my apartment. My Mother was home and was excited to see us. We ate, drank, and smoked together. Yinka and my Mother began to battle over opinions and a long dormant argument soon came to life. Both of them arguing like children finally fell into an awkward silence. The air was cut by Iron Man 2. The night ended, the boys went home, and I listened to my Mother for a while in the living room. A fell into a deep sleep.. Today I woke up in my bed with a lot on my mind. It's Monday, two weeks since the bad news and I'm swimming in this pool... "What's next?" I ask myself. "Whatever you make it." Is my quick response. It's time. Time to grow up. To be a man. To reconnect with some sense of responsibility. I'll always be a boy, but I have to fashion myself as a man. The air is thick today...
Debt. In debt to a greater sign. In debt to a greater evil. In debt to my eyes. In debt to my body. In debt to my brother. In debt to my Mother. In debt to all Mothers - we are. It's a shame. It's a damn shame. How can you let this happen? How? This is your life, isn't it? You have control, don't you? It's your phrase, catch it. Play the hand you're delt, kiddo. This is your hand, this is the game. PLAY. Play and you might win. Play and you'll surely lose. Either way - play.
I'm envious of those who can clearly interpret those abstract thoughts that come to one as a butterfly to a spring bloom. Winged, they flutter about in multitudinous array, mocking our legs. Thoughts, as these, gather and become dense. Thoughts as these are clouds becoming storms. They are tornadoes. They are hurricanes. They are a great tsunami. And what am I? What am I to my mind? Am I the prisoner or the liberator of my thoughts? Both. Though, uncertain, I am, certainly, unsure. Never the less and never more, will a great wave of instinct and impulse rush to the shore, freeing death to the heavens, leaving bodies behind and beneath the flood. Or perhaps blow them away. Send them off flying to an aftermath. Where the rattled collect the scrap metal of what was swept away. What was swept away? It was your house. It was your flat screen television. It was some dusty computer that you had since junior high - the one your Mom brought home, but never quite knew how to use. It was your favorite blanket, the one that smelled like some oak-wood crevice in your house. It was a medallion, your great uncles' from the War. All blown away. All dust and morons gather. Picking through the pile up. Tears falling heavy - the storm below our foreheads. We gather here 'round the mass of a broken past. But it was not broken at first. That flat screen was in your home, but it was not in your home first. It was in a box. And before that in a car or truck. And before that a warehouse (you probably saw it on the internet or in the electronic section of Wal-Mart). You payed your stupid money, the stupid clerk behind the blue and gray cash podium accepted your stupid credit, your stupid television was delivered or maybe you drove it home your stupid self. And for some stupid reason you're bent over, arms folded into your stomach, shedding tears, wailing, hollering to God over what is now a pile of broken glass, microchips, plastic, and steel. My son was taken away by robed men in the middle of the night, but no one gave a goddamn hoot about that. Not even me! I was too busy watching the Nicks play the Heat on MY FLAT SCREEN. Oh, but I did see what that storm did to your family. Terrible, just terrible. I'll send my condolences as I flick the ash of my finest into a tray that one could say might have been forged out of diamonds. It's remarkable how expensive my ash tray is. I marvel at it as if it were my own son. My daughter is going out tonight, with some guy named Steve. Or maybe it's Ramon.. Actually, now that I think about it, my daughter is a lesbian. Yea, that's it... She brought her girlfriend her just the other month, week, or day.. I really can't remember. But my daughters girlfriend had long legs, she had blonde and pink hair, a black net hung off her shoulders and bright pink linen stuck to her sticky skin, she had blue jean short shorts, the kind that would make Daisy Duke seem like a real respectable Northern Gal. Oh man what a wallop my daughters girlfriend is. Her name is Stacy, or Gina, or something strange. But, that was weeks ago... I think. So who is she going out with tonight? My damn son, taken from me. Out the window he was dragged in the middle of the night. His pants were barely fasten around his waist. I was saw his face as his eyes rolled back and his mouth twisted. I saw the men, both tall shadowed hounds of the night, white gloves, white shoe laces, white, eyes, white teeth, all else, black. He was Gods son. He wasn't Jesus, but he was special, you know? Like a fresh hot apple pie. That kid was straight out of the oven. What a kid. He went to school, did his homework, ran from the police... or did he run for the police?? I can never remember - this TV is just too big!! I'm a fat fuck and a fat pig. I lay in the yard sometimes wishing somebody would mow me down. I hide in the daisies plucking pedals pondering purposely, perfectly placid, perky and poised. I am the slow gin - I fill the noise. I am the females and the boys - daisies.
Good men, all were we. Fellow men in the army. Righteous foes, we'd cut them down. Meat for our stew, bones for our hounds. Pious men, the flock of we. Battle Ax, our infantry. Tough as nails Max claimed to be. Shot him dead in the first battle of New Guinea. Immortal Al took heed at the front. His head was struck and he was killed from the blunt. Good men, all were me. Fellow men in His army. We'd cut them down...
I remember the first one. But, it alludes me now..
I'm envious of those who can clearly interpret those abstract thoughts that come to one as a butterfly to a spring bloom. Winged, they flutter about in multitudinous array, mocking our legs. Thoughts, as these, gather and become dense. Thoughts as these are clouds becoming storms. They are tornadoes. They are hurricanes. They are a great tsunami. And what am I? What am I to my mind? Am I the prisoner or the liberator of my thoughts? Both. Though, uncertain, I am, certainly, unsure. Never the less and never more, will a great wave of instinct and impulse rush to the shore, freeing death to the heavens, leaving bodies behind and beneath the flood. Or perhaps blow them away. Send them off flying to an aftermath. Where the rattled collect the scrap metal of what was swept away. What was swept away? It was your house. It was your flat screen television. It was some dusty computer that you had since junior high - the one your Mom brought home, but never quite knew how to use. It was your favorite blanket, the one that smelled like some oak-wood crevice in your house. It was a medallion, your great uncles' from the War. All blown away. All dust and morons gather. Picking through the pile up. Tears falling heavy - the storm below our foreheads. We gather here 'round the mass of a broken past. But it was not broken at first. That flat screen was in your home, but it was not in your home first. It was in a box. And before that in a car or truck. And before that a warehouse (you probably saw it on the internet or in the electronic section of Wal-Mart). You payed your stupid money, the stupid clerk behind the blue and gray cash podium accepted your stupid credit, your stupid television was delivered or maybe you drove it home your stupid self. And for some stupid reason you're bent over, arms folded into your stomach, shedding tears, wailing, hollering to God over what is now a pile of broken glass, microchips, plastic, and steel. My son was taken away by robed men in the middle of the night, but no one gave a goddamn hoot about that. Not even me! I was too busy watching the Nicks play the Heat on MY FLAT SCREEN. Oh, but I did see what that storm did to your family. Terrible, just terrible. I'll send my condolences as I flick the ash of my finest into a tray that one could say might have been forged out of diamonds. It's remarkable how expensive my ash tray is. I marvel at it as if it were my own son. My daughter is going out tonight, with some guy named Steve. Or maybe it's Ramon.. Actually, now that I think about it, my daughter is a lesbian. Yea, that's it... She brought her girlfriend her just the other month, week, or day.. I really can't remember. But my daughters girlfriend had long legs, she had blonde and pink hair, a black net hung off her shoulders and bright pink linen stuck to her sticky skin, she had blue jean short shorts, the kind that would make Daisy Duke seem like a real respectable Northern Gal. Oh man what a wallop my daughters girlfriend is. Her name is Stacy, or Gina, or something strange. But, that was weeks ago... I think. So who is she going out with tonight? My damn son, taken from me. Out the window he was dragged in the middle of the night. His pants were barely fasten around his waist. I was saw his face as his eyes rolled back and his mouth twisted. I saw the men, both tall shadowed hounds of the night, white gloves, white shoe laces, white, eyes, white teeth, all else, black. He was Gods son. He wasn't Jesus, but he was special, you know? Like a fresh hot apple pie. That kid was straight out of the oven. What a kid. He went to school, did his homework, ran from the police... or did he run for the police?? I can never remember - this TV is just too big!! I'm a fat fuck and a fat pig. I lay in the yard sometimes wishing somebody would mow me down. I hide in the daisies plucking pedals pondering purposely, perfectly placid, perky and poised. I am the slow gin - I fill the noise. I am the females and the boys - daisies.
Good men, all were we. Fellow men in the army. Righteous foes, we'd cut them down. Meat for our stew, bones for our hounds. Pious men, the flock of we. Battle Ax, our infantry. Tough as nails Max claimed to be. Shot him dead in the first battle of New Guinea. Immortal Al took heed at the front. His head was struck and he was killed from the blunt. Good men, all were me. Fellow men in His army. We'd cut them down...
I remember the first one. But, it alludes me now..
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Treasures
It was, as it always is, fuzzy and dark, though, this time, it was under water.
The ha
Well.
I don't really know how to describe it.
A few friends and I were walking down a long hallway, like that of a museum. The walls were steel painted yellow. Our walked stopped and we found ourselves staring at the nose of a sinking ship. A thick pane of glass separated us from the sunken beast. The water was deep blue. A white light frolicked on the surface of the water. I opened the hatch and without haste began to swim. I propelled myself alongside the ship, my gaze fixed upon the silver panels and black windows. It wasn't long before I realized that I was not alone. A woman from my work, Grace, was floating beside the back end of the ship. She seemed to be keeping guard of the drowned vessel. I greeted her as I swam in her direction. A bright smile flashed back at me and through her lips a friendly "Hello!" She wore a tan jacket with a white blouse and white pants, her hair in a bun, black rimmed glasses rested on her face, and a backpack of scuba gear to keep her afloat. "Still out here?" I asked.
"Yep! A few more hours to go!"
I smiled as I replied, "Well, good luck!" and swam away.
RETURN TO A BLANK SPACE
The next night I returned to the ship. It hung in the water. A sharp black mass suspended, its nose pointing at anyone who dares to look through the thick glass. The object seemed to stare at you, like a mean fish. In the dark blue waters floated something else. It had many limbs and red eyes. It floated idly, almost meaningless. I felt no fear. Turning to the hatch, I opened the door and let myself into the tank to join the ship and the many-limbed monster. My arms pushed me passed the beast with ease, it almost wasn't there, and I swam upward towards the back of the ship where, once again, the chinese woman from work floated. This time, she was already smiling, as if she had spotted me first.
"Grace? Have you been out here all night?"
"Yes!" She replied. Her eyes flickered and she continued, "I've been out here since last night."
"What? That's ridiculous! Were you locked in here?"
"Yes!"
"Geez. That's terrible! It's dangerous in here."
"I know! I can't believe it! I wonder what my boyfriend will think? He's probably wondering where I am."
"Yea, probably. Alright, Grace, I will catch you later."
I swam away, catching a few glimpses of the downed tank, the red-eyed mass perched beside it. The water was not cold, it almost didn't exist.
BLANK SPACE
The ha
Well.
I don't really know how to describe it.
A few friends and I were walking down a long hallway, like that of a museum. The walls were steel painted yellow. Our walked stopped and we found ourselves staring at the nose of a sinking ship. A thick pane of glass separated us from the sunken beast. The water was deep blue. A white light frolicked on the surface of the water. I opened the hatch and without haste began to swim. I propelled myself alongside the ship, my gaze fixed upon the silver panels and black windows. It wasn't long before I realized that I was not alone. A woman from my work, Grace, was floating beside the back end of the ship. She seemed to be keeping guard of the drowned vessel. I greeted her as I swam in her direction. A bright smile flashed back at me and through her lips a friendly "Hello!" She wore a tan jacket with a white blouse and white pants, her hair in a bun, black rimmed glasses rested on her face, and a backpack of scuba gear to keep her afloat. "Still out here?" I asked.
"Yep! A few more hours to go!"
I smiled as I replied, "Well, good luck!" and swam away.
RETURN TO A BLANK SPACE
The next night I returned to the ship. It hung in the water. A sharp black mass suspended, its nose pointing at anyone who dares to look through the thick glass. The object seemed to stare at you, like a mean fish. In the dark blue waters floated something else. It had many limbs and red eyes. It floated idly, almost meaningless. I felt no fear. Turning to the hatch, I opened the door and let myself into the tank to join the ship and the many-limbed monster. My arms pushed me passed the beast with ease, it almost wasn't there, and I swam upward towards the back of the ship where, once again, the chinese woman from work floated. This time, she was already smiling, as if she had spotted me first.
"Grace? Have you been out here all night?"
"Yes!" She replied. Her eyes flickered and she continued, "I've been out here since last night."
"What? That's ridiculous! Were you locked in here?"
"Yes!"
"Geez. That's terrible! It's dangerous in here."
"I know! I can't believe it! I wonder what my boyfriend will think? He's probably wondering where I am."
"Yea, probably. Alright, Grace, I will catch you later."
I swam away, catching a few glimpses of the downed tank, the red-eyed mass perched beside it. The water was not cold, it almost didn't exist.
BLANK SPACE
Monday, April 9, 2012
Drifting along on nines...
Well, today is monday. I'm at home reflecting on the earlier events of the day. I got suspended. Blessing in disguise. Well hidden behind a veil of tardies and absences. That part of me hasn't changed. I'm still the same little boy that didn't want to be in class - only this time, I don't want to be at work, but rather in an actual classroom. Come, summer of books.
It was late in the afternoon. I hadn't seen her in sometime... yet here we were sitting next to each other in the car. I couldn't tell if it was her car or mine - I was too nervous and excited to care. Small talk and tiny chatterings would eclipse our lips. Dark brown hair would trace the length of her neck. I could tell she was suspicious of me by the look in her eyes. ...and her body spoke a language of indifference. I tried to act bold in my green polo, as if I was "too cool" to remember. Somewhere between my running mouth she cut me off and said, "Today is my birthday, you know..?" I respond with, "OF COURSE I REMEMBER!" And of course, I didn't remember. I gave her a hug, tried to play it off, but she undressed my cool with her eyes. She was wearing a grey sweatsuit with blue writing. I coerced her to the floor. I lay atop and plant a gentle kiss on her lips. A familiar feeling of fondness swept through me as we connected... It can only be this way in dreams
It was late in the afternoon. I hadn't seen her in sometime... yet here we were sitting next to each other in the car. I couldn't tell if it was her car or mine - I was too nervous and excited to care. Small talk and tiny chatterings would eclipse our lips. Dark brown hair would trace the length of her neck. I could tell she was suspicious of me by the look in her eyes. ...and her body spoke a language of indifference. I tried to act bold in my green polo, as if I was "too cool" to remember. Somewhere between my running mouth she cut me off and said, "Today is my birthday, you know..?" I respond with, "OF COURSE I REMEMBER!" And of course, I didn't remember. I gave her a hug, tried to play it off, but she undressed my cool with her eyes. She was wearing a grey sweatsuit with blue writing. I coerced her to the floor. I lay atop and plant a gentle kiss on her lips. A familiar feeling of fondness swept through me as we connected... It can only be this way in dreams
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Because two sevens make fourteen
and one plus four makes makes five
I would say it's good to be alive.
Listening to a kick ass drum solo right now.
Colors. I was colors once. Just colors, but not just colors.. I was a couple of other things, too. Some weird things I suppose. I had a collection of action figures. I would toss them around, slam them in to one another, throw fists back and forth. Stories would accumulate. Heroes and villains, more or less, alike.
And that's the end of this write.
and one plus four makes makes five
I would say it's good to be alive.
Listening to a kick ass drum solo right now.
Colors. I was colors once. Just colors, but not just colors.. I was a couple of other things, too. Some weird things I suppose. I had a collection of action figures. I would toss them around, slam them in to one another, throw fists back and forth. Stories would accumulate. Heroes and villains, more or less, alike.
And that's the end of this write.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Arcade
We were getting ready to play a show. I stumbled over the cables on the floor looking for my effects pedals. My long-haired band mate handed me one of my pedals and another cable. I was surprised that he had brought this equipment with him along with some other effects resting in a back pack alongside the bass guitar and guitar stand. We were in a big acoustic building, something like a mall. Our bearded band mate laughed at something. His hair tied back and his outfit black, he wore a blue t-shirt underneath. We prepared ourselves for noise.
And somehow we were alone, the girl and I. Soft words were exchanged. Nothing was familiar about her face except her cheeks and her smile. "How could this be possible? Why have you changed?" Many questions ran through my mind, but no answers would occur. A mild heat rose between us. We were familiar on the floor. I had fallen to seduction as she crawled on top of me. We reminisced of the love we made many times before. I had her now on her back and I atop of her. She looked at me with that unfamiliar face and that haunting smile. She even turned her head to the left and looked away from with the same sadness to which I had become so keen. I wanted her. I wanted nothing more than to dive into her and to change the dream into the reality of shared nudity, but we remained clothed and flirtatious. She whispered, I challenged, the cards were put into place, but we would not embrace. It was now becoming more familiar to me and pressed against her warm flesh I sank into a deep sadness. The bastard returned and we separated. Guilt and justification hot in my blood. A wave of confusion swept over me and I returned to a blank space.
The bastard I once called a friend was sitting next to me. Foul air breathed through me as he laughed. I sat in the chair next to him mapping out the cracks in his face. He talked as if we had never stopped talking. "How can you be so naive?" I thought. He talked on and on about himself and the incredible life he's been living. I half-listened through one ear. As my head straightened and my vision narrowed a familiar form entered the room. Long dark hair draped against a yellow tank top and grey sweat pants. A female from my past swayed into my sight. She was careless and seductive. She came to me in this dream as she has in many, but this time her face was different. She spoke, but I heard not words. Transfixed by her beauty I watched her flutter around the living room. The bastard still smiling, his eyes fixed on her, invading my sight just as he had invaded my mind in the past.
And somehow we were alone, the girl and I. Soft words were exchanged. Nothing was familiar about her face except her cheeks and her smile. "How could this be possible? Why have you changed?" Many questions ran through my mind, but no answers would occur. A mild heat rose between us. We were familiar on the floor. I had fallen to seduction as she crawled on top of me. We reminisced of the love we made many times before. I had her now on her back and I atop of her. She looked at me with that unfamiliar face and that haunting smile. She even turned her head to the left and looked away from with the same sadness to which I had become so keen. I wanted her. I wanted nothing more than to dive into her and to change the dream into the reality of shared nudity, but we remained clothed and flirtatious. She whispered, I challenged, the cards were put into place, but we would not embrace. It was now becoming more familiar to me and pressed against her warm flesh I sank into a deep sadness. The bastard returned and we separated. Guilt and justification hot in my blood. A wave of confusion swept over me and I returned to a blank space.
Somehow, now in the bright acoustic building where once I might have played a small concert with my band mates I found myself in an arcade with a few friends. We exchanged paper dollars for coins and had at the machines. I shared my ten dollars in quarters with my short haired friend. He played some fighting game whilst the others played games of their own on either side of him. I disappeared to a separate part of the arcade and entered quarters for two players. "...get over here! The game is starting!" I shouted to my short haired friend. "Alright one sec. I'm still playing." was his response. The tiny clock was counting each second that we hesitated. Time ran short and I was hastened to play both defender and offender. My short haired friend too tied up in his own game to play mine. Disappointed, I walked away from my machine. Whether I finished or not, I can't remember. But, I didn't want to play by myself. What did I care anyway? It was only a few quarters. My wallet housed more paper money and I could use that to buy cheeseburgers later on. I watched the others play their games and I disappeared once again into a blank space.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Mutant Children
LAST night, we were all mutants on some great migration. All of us young, hungry, high-schoolers, high and on a mission. We were going to diners, buying movie tickets, shooting lasers from our eyes and hands, riding bikes faster than light, tracking our speed on global placement systems. We had ice cream and smiles on our faces. We were young mutants! And everything was as it should be. But, from who were we running from? No one would stop us if they caught us, we are not a force to be reckoned with. We're children! We are your children! We rode motorcycles and drove cars over dirt roads. Our hair long and untamed danced as we danced. It was all too real.
And before that, we were human. We were sitting around a television drinking tequila. "MAN SHOT" I would call out and the short and small, half-ounce shot glass would be replaced with a tall colorful shot-and-a-half glass. "I hate you, step bruh.." muttered from his lips, the birthday girls brother. And she was a lesbian, as was her man-dressed girlfriend. Butch and proud. Short and loud. The drinks were poured. The men and the women-men drank stoutly. "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY I GET HIGH IF I WANT TO!!" she shouts! Smoke was not present this night, nor mirrors to tell us illusions and stories of vanity. We were of celebration. We were beautiful. The night grew tired and us tired of the night and we, the brothers, took our leave. And we were talking about girls. About girlfriends present and past. About appearances and realities. It became an honest talk, one too honest for my inebriated state and my body decided for me that now is the time to sleep. And I was home, walking up my stairs, keying the door knob, locking the gate, shutting the door, quietly removing all of my clothes, and rested with the tequila warm in me. My little girl cub crawled her furry paws up to the bed and lay with me. And we became mutants.
And before that, we were human. We were sitting around a television drinking tequila. "MAN SHOT" I would call out and the short and small, half-ounce shot glass would be replaced with a tall colorful shot-and-a-half glass. "I hate you, step bruh.." muttered from his lips, the birthday girls brother. And she was a lesbian, as was her man-dressed girlfriend. Butch and proud. Short and loud. The drinks were poured. The men and the women-men drank stoutly. "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY I GET HIGH IF I WANT TO!!" she shouts! Smoke was not present this night, nor mirrors to tell us illusions and stories of vanity. We were of celebration. We were beautiful. The night grew tired and us tired of the night and we, the brothers, took our leave. And we were talking about girls. About girlfriends present and past. About appearances and realities. It became an honest talk, one too honest for my inebriated state and my body decided for me that now is the time to sleep. And I was home, walking up my stairs, keying the door knob, locking the gate, shutting the door, quietly removing all of my clothes, and rested with the tequila warm in me. My little girl cub crawled her furry paws up to the bed and lay with me. And we became mutants.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Dreams are dangerous things -things without physicality. So how is we, the soft creatures that we are, can hold onto dreams? Dreams are misleading, that they are truths disguised in a personal abstract atmosphere. What I find weird about dreams is that in a dream I have complete control of everything around me. And what I find weird about my waking life is that I can only control myself.
So how does one control his self?
I've been out of control. I've squandered, stolen, lied, and cheated. And this is me.
When was younger I stole an action figure from a boy younger than me. Stupid.
I lied to keep myself out of trouble, but never to intentionally hurt anybody.
I cheated on a french test - and got a C.
So a young boy that has stolen, lied, and cheated his way through youth shall become a man.
The young man that made a parody of his self will not be taken seriously by his peers.
An underachiever.
True, I haven't started my own business. Nor do I have my own car. True, I still live with my mother, but 23 is an acceptable age to do so. True, I slept around. True, I now sleep alone. True, I work in a stockroom. True, I am the supervisor. True, I'm questioned my sexuality. True, I've never tested it. True, I have fears, doubts, and worries. True, I have courage and strength.
I see myself growing. Not taller, but broader. A sense of purpose is being defined. It's not what I want, it's not what they want, it's what my soul needs. A subtle expansion between the universe and me is shared. I'm becoming one of - and not one less.
So I tell myself, "If it feels good do it." And of course, if it doesn't I don't. Haha, but I do!! Someone suggested to me, "maybe you like pain.." I have dwelled on this...
As a child, I would pick my scabs. Every cut, gash, and scrap would remain raw and open. Pain was present, but it was not my focus. It was my curiosity taking over. Perhaps picking the scabs created endorphins. Maybe I've been getting high longer than I've known.
Started smoking a lot of weed. Today, I'm taking a break... last nights puff had my chest bubbling and must discomfort followed. It is these sort of things that worry me. Strange sensations in my body... But, I was in and out of the hospital all of last year.. I'll stay healthy and happy this year, thanks.
I was even in the hospital on your birthday, but you would have never known..
I'm procrastinating. Supposed to be scoring a film, but it (the movie and the music) makes no sense. So, I'm taking a break to read your blog, write mine, and mellow out for a while.
It is a gorgeous day outside.. Sunlight seems so infinite. Seems.
oh.. and remember
Shallow water
ripples
Deep water
waves.
For Aaron
Aaron. My Dearest Cousin. You have given me much advice. Women. Money. How to treat my Mother. How to be a man. You've been a ghost-like Father to me, inadvertently. We've grown together, you more than me, in years.
Your mustang, blue and ageless across the freeway, would burn trails and ignite dust, a trailblazing howl of exhaust, roaring horses. You were limitless between those wheels. Lord, help me if you weren't the gears that powered the damn thing.
Your mustang, blue and ageless across the freeway, would burn trails and ignite dust, a trailblazing howl of exhaust, roaring horses. You were limitless between those wheels. Lord, help me if you weren't the gears that powered the damn thing.
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