Trouble...

I'm not that guy. I made you believe I was because... well I'm an idiot. The truth is, I'm not a player. I'm not a heart breaker. I'm not-so normal but, you already know that. I'm tall, strong, and honest. However, I tend to run my mouth a bit too much sometimes (Usually through texts). I can see you've got your thing going on, I'm not gonna be an obstacle. I've been chatting you up for the wrong reasons. I'm not going to apologize, you know that. I will say that before it gets weird, just take a breather and know that I wrote this because I meant it. So, I'll cool off. But only just a little... because it feels good to burn and lately, I'm on fire.

Melt

I've been feeling it lately. The newness. The change. The difference. It's time. It's time for me. I've got to stop wasting time. I've got to stop texting. I'm back in the game. And I feel it. I feel it deep inside. Everything beneath this post is the past. The sadness. The helplessness. No more. This is a new day. This is a new me. Harder than ever. Stronger than before. Louder. Passion. Fire. Intensity. I am of it. So sing me a song. I'll sing you a better one. And believe me, I can... These are sensitive songs. These are sensitive days for me. I'm being pulled and pushed in different directions. But I wade through waters of pain and misfortune. I wade because if I don't the tide will pull me down. It will drown me. I'll swallow the water and fade away. I'll burn out. Fuck that. These days do not belong to them. They are mine. These are not days of reckoning. These are days of promise. Days of hope. Days of fire. God it's strong in me. I feel it. Heavy on my hands. Kiss me. You'll melt.

There's Still More To Be Done

I'll be working Monday through Friday this week. I have 29 hours this week. Friday is pay day. For this, I am excited. As of this moment I'm broke. I just had to buy the headphones, the mic, the cable, and the sunglasses from Target... I spent the day at Omar's house. Made music from about 1pm until 9:30pm. That's a good day. Lately

I've been feeling different. During my my most recent excursion, I felt the something scratching at me. It was like something was saying "Just go... Go far far away. Don't come back for a while." It felt like something trying to pull me away. It felt good. I feel like I'm a good place to be carried away for a long time.. I want to disappear for a while. Just *poof*

I'll come back. Don't worry.

Something is changing, I can feel it.

It feels good.

Just protect me. Keep me safe. I don't want to stray too far away. I still have work to do. I still have books to read. I still have music to write. I still have people to meet. I still have stories to tell. I still have memories to take. So please, protect me from my doubts. Protect me from fear and worry. Protect me from distractions but, keep them bittersweet.  There's still more to be done.

*Now

I wrote a song a few weeks ago. Something about a dragon or something or other. I've been avoiding my guitars these last couple of weeks. I'm not sure why I doubt myself sometimes. I've gotta stop getting caught up in the future. I need now right now.  I forgot what I was looking for. And that describes the lost feeling. But, I feel like I've got my head back on track.

Now on to the now....

My Day

And in an instant, I've lost my mother.

No, she isn't dead but, she definitely hates me. Fine. Whatever. So what. I'm doubting that she ever wanted me around in the first place. I know for a fact that I was an accident. No condoms or birth control could hold me back. So here I am, after bursting out of that sack and into a microscopic egg, in a human woman, in California, in the United States of America, on a planet named Earth by it's inhabitants, in a solar system, in the milky way galaxy, in some sort of nebula, that's billions of years old, in a big fucking universe, filled with billions and billions of other galaxies, filled with shit-tons of other California's. And there's possibility of a fucking parallel universe? Maybe more than one? With other dimensions and shit? Fuck man.

So here I am twenty one years later and I can't figure out what the fuck I'm doing here. Geez... Boy do I feel like I've screwed up. I'm supposed to be a musician? Well what the hell? What am I doing about it? Nothing... Just distraction, after distraction, after distraction. I need to get the hell out of Dodge and focus for once. Where's the talent? What do I have to show for it? It's been ten years, almost eleven. Come on. You've gotta keep up. Stop doubting. Or doubt forever, I don't care right now. Be a resentful old man if you want. Be a child forever. Who cares? If you don't who will? Start saying yes. Yes Yes Yes. If you want this, just say yes. Stop fucking around kid. Remember, When in doubt, go with what you know.

I haven't had a real Christmas in who knows how long... I can't remember when we stopped getting trees to decorate. And there's the problem, no tradition. Matt complains about his family getting together once a year and spending some time together on one specific day; Christmas. Maybe one day he'll value this time shared. Then again, Matt complains about everything.

My Sister. The Lion. The Beast. She can run her mouth on and on all day to anyone about anything but, cannot hold a conversation with our mother. Cannot. Why? Because they're both stubborn like sticks. Because both my mother and my sister are equally difficult. I once thought that I couldn't match them with anyone else until I realized that they are the same. One is just younger and more hostile. The other, old, bitter, and unforgiving. I, the mediator no more. Fuck it. Leave me the fuck alone. It's already been established that I am the problem here. What do you do when you can't change someone's mind? You fuck off. So, here I am; Fucking Off. I'm done. I've tried. I've tried. I've tried. Some things in life aren't meant to be. Which I think is a valuable piece of advice. SOME THINGS IN LIFE AREN'T MEANT TO BE. I'm not wasting my time anymore. Enough of that. I'm done playing good son. I'm done playing the "Be There Ranger." Today is my day. Today is the reckoning of the damage from the past. I am a damaged man. I will walk with pride. My demons are my own. To live with. To fight. To carry on throughout my life. I am driving. I am in control. This is just a bump on the road.

New Traditions

Swallowed oxegen and I'm feeling fair. It's 8:02am, which means my alarm clock is going to sound off in 28 minutes. That is however, unless I stop it from doing so, which I plan to. Laura is asleep next to me. I've been awake for 3 maybe 4 hours now. Laura spent half an hour awake with me and then fell back into dreams. I'm trying to figure out if the spell check works on this thing. It doesn't seem to.

Anyway... It's Tuesday. Today, I have scheduled to get together with good Ol' Sam Schwartz. I know, I didn't see that coming either. We are supposed to rendevouz around 11am however, I do not have an economic means for transportation.. Therefor, I think I'll call him and have him over here. But first, (Butt First?) I have to clean up. Laura and I tend to get messy,

Sadly, these days I cannot use the phrase "Another Day, Another Dollar." Because I am still unemployed.

I was once Funemployed, which is when one is unemployed but having a good time. But, the fun has become undone. Not to say that I'm not enjoying this quality time but, I need money.

It seems to be a time of new traditions, where one cycle of familiarity ends and another begins. The other night, at Laura's birthday dinner with her family, I couldn't help but to think about the night Omar and I spent hanging out with Barry. For Laura's Birthday, we had planned to go to Chili's in Walnut Creek because it's her annual tradition. December, birthday, family dinner, Chili's. Very simple and direct. But the Chili's in Walnut Creek has closed down. For lease. Gone. Total bummer. So instead, we drove to the Chili's in Concord. I felt too quiet at the table. I just didn't want to interupt the dialogue, where ever it was. I like to observe and listen. I like to take time to relfect. I thought about Chevy's. Sitting with Barry and Omar. A totally lame scenario. Barry didn't know that many people it seemed but, when he needed help moving it seemed like he knew no one. Because no one was helping him. So Omar and I decided to. And when we finished, we thought we'd show this generous and lonley older man a good time. So, we came over after work, had some tequila, smoked some weed, and then went to Chevy's. Maybe it was because I was high. Maybe it's because I was giving up depression. Maybe it's because I was crazy. Or maybe, this is was the most depressing thing I had been apart of. Barry's situation made me think of my situation. And I don't want to end up like Barry. 50 something. Overweight. Divorced. But, it wasn't like the guy was a loser. He is a decently financially stable person. He seems very smart. I think I saw some impressive degree's while helping him pack. He wasn't going to be alone for long. He was moving to New Orleans to be with his girlfriend. He met her on a business trip. He drove over 2000 miles to find happiness and to be with his new love. So, maybe Barry had the right idea after all. Though it was strange that he asked me if I had any porn I could share with him on multiple occasions. So here I am with Laura and her family and we're having a great time at Chili's. Laura wants steak. My goodness she wants steak. I love Chili's but, i never know what to order. Everything sounds and looks so good! I usually order something close to the cheapest thing on the menu when I went out with girlfriends families. And up until recently I didn't know why. Actually, the reason why is a bit depressing. But, I digress. Tonight I thought, why not be a bit extravagant tonight and try something new? It looks good on the menu, and it certainly sounds appetizing. So I did. I ordered the Fajita Trio. Steak, chicken, and shrimp with grilled onions and bell peppers served with pico de gallo, guacamole, sour cream, and flour tortillas. Cadillac Style(Which means, for an extra ninety-nine cents you can get rice and black beans). And it was fablous. It felt good to choose something I really wanted. It felt good to be next to Laura on her birthday. It felt like something unfamiliar but, nothing strange. Like realizing how something on your body works. It just works. Take care of it, and hopefully it works for the rest of your life. Don't take care of it and you'll end up hurting in regret. I've learned many lessons. And from these lessons I've been taught many things. One thing I'll never forget; regret. I dont want to regret anything.

Tis the Season

Laura's hair is Orange. Her birthday is on Sunday. She is turning 22.
My hair is brown. My birthday was last month. I am 21.
Laura is going on break in a few days.
I'm looking to catch a big one.
Laura is asleep next to me.
I'm wide awake.

On Friday, my truck broke down not too far from Laura's house. Today, Monday, I get a call from my sister exclaiming that my truck is ready to be picked up. Not the messenger I had in mind but, she'll do. I applied to AMC Theaters for the 4th time recently. Today, I called them for the first time ever. They told me that they just filled their staff. I think that's bullshit. So here I am, grown man, looking for work around the corner from Christmas and my lady's birthday. Not the warm, holiday cheer I usually feel around this time but, a sense of desperation and need of change instead. I think now I see the world a lot more clearly. I think now, I see myself much more clearly as well. I've been smacked around a lot these last few years. It's time to fight back and hit 'em hard. I'm just following the music. It's going to lead somewhere good, it has too. It will. No more distractions...

Down South

So, lost my job. Yea, that was about a month ago. My money is running low. I'm pretty much back at the beginning. Currently, I'm in Long Beach California. Scratch that, I'm in Northridge California.. Sitting across from me is Chris, and my two new aquaintences Sheryl and Natums (Nate). On the television. Scractch that, on the projected digital image on the bare wall, Dr. Pinsky is informing the West coast about celebrity drug and alcohol addiction. Though I don't doubt Dr. Pinsky's profession and skill as a doctor, I do doubt that he's saying anything worth while. He's barely a host. The stars are talking and the star trackers are talking. The publicist. AKA: the people I would call my closest friends 100 years from now that is, if I ever become/became a celebrity worth of making evening VH1 television. Dr. Pinsky just introduces the segments. I think he might be doing a slight narrative. Saved by commercials. Oh yea, I turned 21 two days ago. Go me. Laura threw a great surprise party. My closest fiends were there, suprisingly. And some people I barely knew too, surprisingly. And Marisa brought me a few cakes, surprisingly. And Harry and Kaela brought some foreign exchange students to help celebrate, surprisingly. And John got really drunk and turned into a pirate, surprisingly. Everyone left around 2am, surprisingly. I got a couple of bottle of tequila and a half drinking bottle of vodka as gifts but, I didn't get that drunk, surprisingly. All in all it was an amazing night. I plan on making an impression on So-Cal during the week I'm down here. I mean, I've already got my opinion of So-Cal, so what will So-Cal think of me? I'm going to use this time to focus on my future. I'm here not because it's fun or because Chris needs consoling for his recent break up (though, I do care greatly about both topics) I'm here to build security.

I thought about what Dave Grohl was saying during the Comcast On Demand interview snippet I stubled upon. He said that it was easy for him to believe that the life he was living wasn't real. That it wasn't a real reality. He continued to say that life and living became more clear and real the older he got.

I'm not old yet.

What's new with you?

Thinking clearer. Feeling better. Not being shy. Working again. Taking
public transportation. Meeting new people. Creating stronger connections
with old friends. Talking to Dad. Not talking to Mom. Looking for a
second job. Attempting to save money again. Paying more attention to
detail. Not smoking so much. Not complaining as often. Searching for an
apartment to move into. Searching for a new car to drive. Slowly
re-doing my wardrobe. Trying to stay connected with family. Finding
comfort and happiness.

I Open

memories
such a strange thing to me
the length of a century
and we remember everything
worth remembering
once we were children
I remember it so differently
photographs prove me wrong
my grace, I am a key
unlocking memories
somehow I keep them safe
protected by bone and skin
not for any
nor with any
other key
I open.