My mother taught me not to talk about issues at home to other people. I used to think of it as some form of respect for the family. Now, as a young man, I reflect on what my mother taught me as a young child.
It seems we've always had money issues. One after the next. A constant mountain of bills building higher and higher. Less income than outcome. She was a single mom, after all. There's only so much one soul can do.. She gave up much for Azhara and I. More than I know, of that I am sure.
I remember nights in San Francisco when she would paint in the kitchen. The darkly lit room accompanied by moody music and warmth. She would lay paints out for me and I would paint, too.
I remember being knee height and getting lost at the mall.
I remember all of my scoldings. She'd spank us if we misbehaved. She'd use her hands or a belt. I recall the use of a wire hanger as well.
Wrought by family dysfunction, Azhara and I were raised to be independent.
I have a lot on my mind. I bet my girlfriend is sick of that phrase. I've got a lot to say but, my lips are usually zipped shut. To me, talking is all about timing. Lately, I haven't found the time to really talk about what's going on. So, I'm reverting to writing again. A friend told me, "I don't like reading your blog because it's so depressing." Well cheer up, buttercup. Life isn't always a hand basket of flowers. So what's really going on.. I'm twenty-two. I share a bedroom with my sister. I supervise the stockroom of a glorified furniture store. I've been out of school for 5 years now..
When I was a child, I knew what I wanted to be. "I want to be a rocket scientist!" I would exclaim. Then I had no idea for a long time. Then I wanted to be a musician. Though I poses some musical ability, it seems the rock star life will have to be put on the back burner. It's turned into something dark. My mother encourages my talents but, I can tell she secretly resents it. I feel like my girlfriend does the same. I can't blame them.. I put so much time into something so surreal that I forget to care of myself and the people around me. Frankly I'm embarrassed. I've made a joke out of myself... I made it so clear that music was the only gift I could give. The sounds, the feelings, the enchantment, and the mystery of music. It's like black-magic. But it doesn't work on everybody... "I'm not giving up." I have to remind myself. Life has to happen.
I have a lot on my mind... I'm learning who I am whilst the girl I love is learning who she is. I'm learning of who I am to her. We've known each other for 2 whole years now and we're seeing the each other for who we really are. I haven't been impressed with myself so, why should she feel any different. I lack something that she craves.. a smile or a sense of humor. I used to laugh a lot. I still do. She wants a silly guy. I haven't shown her how silly I can be. She wants someone to protect her. I look like a matchstick. She wants me to talk with her openly, discuss what's on my mind when it's on my mind. But I look at her and lock up. I can't stand it and niether can she. We have communication issues. I read in this fucking "Sextrology" book that a characteristic of Sagittarius woman is that once they learn you have issues, you're forever a loser in their book. It said she seeks a self-made man, or an athlete, or some thing like a librarian with a huge dictionary... She told me she didn't think I'd fight for her if she was ever in the position of leaving. I told her she doesn't understand me at all. Sometimes she gets this look of... disappointment? Frustration? I don't know.. but she rolls her eyes all over me. Like nothing I say could make it right. I throw in some smooth gestures and tell her she's beautiful but, it's like she doesn't believe me. I tell her I don't care about the make up on her face, it's her I want. She's such a beautiful girl, I'm trying to keep it together before some man or woman sweeps her away. Since she's bisexual, I feel like I have to work twice as hard to give her what she needs; the strength of a man, and the compassion of a woman. She needs some sort of satisfaction that I don't understand.. I notice. Sometimes, it drives me up the fucking wall. Somedays, it's the only thing I think about. We have a communication problem. If it's not spoken, it will remain broken.
I have a lot on my mind. My mother has been asking me for money. I feel like shit because I haven't seriously helped out with finances. I've been watching her struggle.. Indulging myself. I feel like such a greedy, selfish child. My sister and I argued out how selfish of a person I was just a couple of weeks ago. Yelling, shouting, cursing at each other as we drove up to the sad apartment. This reminded me of the most recent Christmas where my mother, my sister, and I spent half the morning arguing and crying. Not exactly the Christmas cheer I had in mind but, oh well.. This is the hand I've been dealt. Where there is a lack of tradition there is an abundance of disappointment. My goal was once to play music, get famous, and buy a house for my mom. Now I don't know anymore.. I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm going to do. I've been spending my time trying to make other people happy.. So much that I forget to make myself happy. And if you're reading this and you're not happy, do what you need to do to get happy. Even if it means closing your browser and discontinuing to read my sad little blog. If singing makes you happen, do it. If dancing makes you happy do it. If stripping makes you happy, do it. If fucking all night makes you happy, be safe. If being miserable makes you happy... you might have a chemical deficiency or something.
I'm going to play my guitar. I'm going to sing in front of strangers. I'm gonna dance off and on rhythm. I'm gonna flirt. I'm going to pay everyone back. I'm going to go to school. I'm going to talk about shit that makes me angry. I'm going to punch a bunch of random shit when I'm angry. I'm not going to take any bullshit from any bullshitter. I'm not gonna let some douche bag call my girlfriend a "dumb bitch." I'm not going to let go even if you tell me to.
Today is a new day. I can start this triumphant pivot toward being a better me when ever I want. Truth is, it's started. I've fucked up soo much but, that's ok. Can't have the good stuff without the bad stuff.
