No big deal

Well...
I got exactly what I wanted. I asked for it and I received it. I told
everyone about what I wanted; what I needed. Now its here. I don't hate
it. I don't like it but, its here. Just like I said, its here. Am I
going to stick with it? Or am I going to just blow it all away? Should I
stay here? 9am to 6pm everyday. The same walls. The same people. Nothing
at all. Yea its money... but what do I care... I wish it didn't matter
but, it does. Remember, you are in debt. Remember, you need to pay
everyone back. Remeber not to waste your time. Remeber not to waste
mine.
California has brought me a lot of heartbreak and I think I'm losing it.
I'm feeling paranoid, as if my friends are keeping something more from
me. As if its all going on behind my back. Its just little stuff I
suppose but, still I've been on end ever since I heard about Davis. The
guys still haven't mentioned a word of it to me. Still act like it
didn't happen. Still act like what I don't know won't hurt me. But I do
know. And I've known for sometime. And frankly I'm deeply offended.
However, I'll be a big boy about this one. There is no reason to waste
anyones breath over this. But hopefully one day my friends won't be so
insensitive. And hopefully one day I won't be either.

Thirty Years

I was born in 1988. The 80's were coming to an end and the kids of the 90's were starting to begin. I'd say I have a pretty good understanding of the 90's life. If someone asked me what it was like to grow up during the time I did, I'm pretty sure I could give a decent analysis of the last 15 years or so.

I was thinking about 30 year olds.

Being 30 must be a really awkward point in one's life. At least for the "traditional" American. I don't know what it's like to be 30 but, I really would like to know what the 30 year old interest is.

Kaboom Pow Pow

Yesterday I took down all the posters in my room with the exception of one but, that was unintentional. The Iron Man poster is still tacked up on the wall behind my door with the Mardi Gras beads that Taylor brought home from New Orleans still hanging off of it. I don't mind it at all. The rest of my walls are bare. It's kind of nice actually. Not as overwhelming.

Anyhow, it's firework day. I'm supposed to be on a private boat tonight with some folks but, I haven't heard from anybody. Maybe I'll end up staying home. I'm leaving it up to you, fate.

I don't feel like expressing anything emotionally significant today. I just want to write.

Last night I stayed up until about 4am. Partially because I had slept through most of the day and couldn't sleep and partially because I was inspired to make a bunch of music. I might post some to youtube or something. I'm really happy with the composition of the sounds.

I kept thinking about how I was probably being forgotten about last night. How maybe everyone probably said, " Fuck him, he's a loser. He's nothing. You don't need him. Forget about him. Move on. There's other guys out there that are way better than him." And so on and so forth... My insecurities are through the roof right now, at an all time high. I know that I have royally messed things up between her and I. I know that it could take time to mend, if she wants to mend. I just feel really... really... really...

* Confused
* Insecure
* Angry
* Sad
* Small
* Detached

and on and on...

I need to get outta here.

Out of my head

Out of my mind

Out of this body

I gotta get outta here...

Lately

I'm starting to get really confused. I don't know what to do with
myself. I feel like I'm really fucking up (again). Maybe its just me
making it all up. Creating this from my imagination. Could all be inside
of my head. I told myself things would be shitty back in California
and... yea, things have been pretty shitty so far. I also told myself
I'd have a life-changing experience and I did. So maybe I'm doing it to
myself. What ever the matter, I will overcome.
I've been in a shitty mood all day. I woke up tired. Went to work. I was
driven by L.C. because my car is broken. Or as I like to call it, on
vacation. Anyhow I've been stuck in this hot house all day. Thank
goodness for Wii Sports and acoustic guitar or I'd be dead by now (and
of course you, internet).
Today I thought about a lot of things. Sensitive, deep, heartfelt
things. I want to leave this place. I feel like I've fucked it up
(again) and I'm being left behind. Naturally I just want to get out of
here. If I stay it has to be for a damn good reason. Something other
than paying off my debt or feeling afraid to hurt someone's feelings.
I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to not be a jealous person (at least
not so strongly). I don't like being this envious. Especially when I
probably deserve it. Whatever that means. I just feel like lately, I've
been a real bad person. So I guess I'm getting what I deserve then? I
mean, bad things happen to bad people, right? Truly nothing separates
bad people and good people besides personal decisions the possibilities
of fate.
Last night while on the phone with my mother I had a strong deja vù. One
that I dreamed many years ago. It got me thinking. Was I suppose to turn
out this way? Was it destined for me to be standing at the top of L.C.'s
stairs in my current condition? I wish I knew the way of the universe or
at least the human mind. Fuck, I wish I knew the way the mind of every
living creature.
Tonight I think I'll just try to relax but, friends and complications
might make that difficult. We'll see.